Interesting night. I stopped by our one and only local bar for a beer. One of the regulars started talking to me. He asked, "Where's you're buddy?"
I answered he was home, asleep, but Jack (let's call him that) started apologizing for calling Keith a "buddy". He struggled with finding a term to call him.
I cut him off and asked, "Did you know Keith and I were together when we first met you here six years ago?"
Jack answered, "Yes."
"So now we can legally marry, what's the problem?"
Jack pointed across the bar and said, "See the blond in the black sweatshirt? That's my wife. If I wanted to point you and Keith out, what would I say? That's husband and husband? Partners? Spouses?"
"What does it matter? Point us out in anyway you want."
"You're good guys. I mean, we shared burgers on the grill at your house after the bar closed. I just don't know what to say without offending you."
"You knew Keith and I were together in that way when we first met you, right?"
"Yes."
"What's this difference now? Because we can legally marry, that somehow changes things?"
"No, I just don't want to offend you and Keith."
"Then be Jack, the Jack we've known for the last six years."
We talked some more and Jack was astounded by the fact that Keith and I have been together for the last twelve years.
"Wow, that's a long time. I didn't think guys like you could stay together like that."
"How long have you been with your wife?"
"Twenty-four years."
"Why that long? You're standing here, drunk off your feet talking to me, and she's across the bar as if she doesn't know you. What is it that you and her love each other so much that you committed to each other for the last twenty-four years?"
Jack looked at me through his drunk eyes, but with some thought. "Love is what it is and we can't control it."
"And, Jack, That's what Keith and I have no matter what anyone else calls it."
Jack bought me another beer and he just couldn't let the topic go. Ahh, the life of a drunk. So me being me excused myself for a minute and walked to the other side of the bar where Jack's wife sat.
"Would you mind if I picked your husband up tonight?"
"Oh Hell, yeah. Take him home and keep him."
I went back to Jack and told him his wife didn't mind if I I picked him up.
"Really? That don't sound right."
Jack stumbled over to talk to his wife. While he talked to his wife, I finished my beer and went to the mens room. When I came out, Jack and his wife were gone. Considering they left an hour and a half before last call, I reckon Jack quickly learned to appreciate, and love, his wife even more.
So, if Keith and I do get married, which we problay won't because he ain't asked me yet, how would we refer to each other? Spouse is good, but too generic and emotionally detached. Husband is too sexist because the word implies a wife. Partner is good if we were cowboys or venturing into a business together. Other half sounds schizophrenic. Significant other lacks the deep emotional bond.
Dangit, Keith and I can't get married because there's no meaningful word to describe our relationship. Anybody got any ideas of a new word to describe two married guys?
© 2012
Mark Darien
All rights reserved
Please include this copyright notice if you share this article
Saturday, November 10, 2012
Friday, October 19, 2012
Question 6 - Marriage Equality Act - How will you vote, Part III
Opponents to same sex marriage have launched a campaign to repeal Maryland's same sex marriage law. With typical, and predictable, religious bigotry, they are trying to convince Marylanders that marriage has traditionally been defined as between a man and a woman and children do best when raised by a married man and a woman. We don't have the fancy resources to make fancy commercials, but we offer an alternative view to their message that has been missing on Delmarva.
© 2012
Mark Darien
All rights reserved
Please include this copyright notice if you share this article
© 2012
Mark Darien
All rights reserved
Please include this copyright notice if you share this article
Tuesday, October 16, 2012
Question 6 – How will you vote? (Part II)
As the election nears, Marylanders will, undoubtedly, be bombarded with advertising telling you why you shouldn’t vote “yes” on Question 6. Voting yes on Question 6 means you support the Marriage Equality Act, the law that will allow same sex marriage in Maryland. Here’s a break down of the arguments opposing Question 6 that you’re likely to hear.
God made Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve.
Of course, there are hundreds of variations of this argument, complete with Scripture quotes, but all of them boil down to one basic argument – God says homosexuality is an abomination so we shouldn’t legalize it.
Without going into a whole theological debate, let’s agree that God thinks homosexuality is an abomination. The bottom line is we don’t base our laws solely on what we (or some) believe God thinks. If we did, we’d be a theocracy, and we only have to look as far as the Middle East to see how well theocracies work.
That’s not to say the religious argument is without merit. If your religious belief were that same sex couples are not blessed in God’s eyes, then certainly you would want a law that doesn’t infringe on your religious beliefs. The Marriage Equality Act took that into account and expressly forbids a requirement of clergy performing same sex marriage ceremonies or a Church offering its facilities for the celebration of a same sex marriage.
You, nor your Church, have to accept same sex marriage as being acceptable in God’s eyes. What Question 6 does ask, outside of your theological beliefs, should a same sex couple be allowed to marry in a civil ceremony.
We shouldn’t reward behavioral or lifestyle choices.
This is the age-old question – is homosexuality a choice or an inherent trait? For that matter, is heterosexuality a choice or an inherent trait?
The argument goes along the lines that heterosexuality is normal, an inherent trait, that drives us, and all species, to have children and continue on. Gay people choose to go against their inherent nature in pursuit of selfish, physical pleasure.
Almost every gay person will tell you that they knew they were gay, even if they didn’t know the word for how they felt, since they hit puberty. At the time their friends were finding the attractiveness of the opposite sex, they felt the same feelings for their own sex. No gay person took a test in seventh grade sex-ed class and decided they were going to think outside of the box and choose to be gay.
Scientific evidence supports the notion that one’s sexual orientation has a strong genetic component. No, there probably isn’t a “gay gene” anymore than there is a “heterosexual gene”. But there are several genes that control hormone levels and brain development that give support to the idea that sexual orientation is mostly, if not completely, genetically driven.
Does that mean the stereotyped, flamboyant gay man in a Gay Pride event is genetically driven to act the way he does? Of course not. That would be like saying any woman in Mardi Gras is genetically driven to flash her breasts for the reward of beads.
What it does say is that God (or genetics, depending upon your beliefs) gave us the greatest gift of all – the need to love and be loved. What we, as individuals, find in our heart to be our life long soul mate, the one who we will love and cherish until death do us part, shouldn’t be legislated by others who don’t approve of the love.
No one has the right to redefine marriage.
That argument is the furthest thing from the truth. When Adam and Eve left the Garden of Eden, incest was the norm. We forbid immediate family members from marrying today, and rightly so. Historically, polygamy was the norm and supported in our Bible. Today, rightly so, we forbid polygamous marriages. In fact, the Bible describes six forms of marriage, of which only one we accept today. So, yes, we have had no problem redefining marriage.
The Supreme Court, in 1967, was faced with the question of who can and cannot marry. Many states forbade the marriage of a Black person to a White person. In their ruling, in Loving vs Virginia, the Supreme Court made two significant decisions. The first was that the right to marry was a basic civil right afforded to any two people. The second was that a state could deny a marriage only if the state could show a compelling reason.
A state can easily show that a brother and sister marrying could result in children with severe genetic handicaps. That’s a pretty compelling reason to deny immediate family members from marrying. A state could also show that a man married to more than one woman could result in children he could not financially support, not to mention the emotional neglect necessary for a healthy family. That’s a pretty compelling reason to deny polygamy.
What compelling reason would a state have to deny a same sex marriage?
There are an estimated 6 – 14 million children being raised by same sex parents. Studies show that these children not only are equal to their peers in intellectual and emotional growth, but also are often “more balanced” than their peers. In fact, their biggest obstacle is not that they have two Dads or two Moms. Their biggest obstacle is dealing with the prejudices of their peers and other parents because “traditional parents” aren’t raising them.
What compelling reason can you come up with to justify denying two same sex people from marrying? When answering this question, remember, you have to come up with measurable harm the state would suffer, the key word being, measurable.
Children do best when raised by a married Mom and Dad.
This is a smoke screen argument designed to denigrate not only same sex couples, but also single parents. As already mentioned, studies don’t support this argument.
The general gist of the argument is based on the notion that if two men are raising a child, the child is deprived of a female role model. Conversely, if two women are raising a child, the child is deprived of a male role model.
What this argument does is assume that children are raised in a vacuum. They’ll grow up to be just like Mom and Dad, so if you don’t have the proper role models, the child will not grow up “normal.”
Here’s a surprise fact. Just like heterosexual couples, same sex couples have extended families and friends who help in the raising of a child. There are plenty of role models in a child’s life for him or her to learn from. There are grandparents, uncles, aunts, and cousins. When the child is old enough to go to school, there are friends and their families. Role models abound. Sure, Bob, being raised by two Moms, might grow up and think it’s normal for him to cook dinner once in awhile… and that’s a bad thing? Or Suzie, being raised by two Dads, might grow up and think it’s perfectly normal for her to change a flat tire… and that’s a bad thing?
Children do best when they have a family who loves and supports them. It really is that simple.
Come this November, once you wade through all the empty rhetoric, how will you vote on Question 6?
© 2012
Mark Darien
All rights reserved
Please include this copyright notice if you share this article
Thursday, October 11, 2012
Question 6 – How will you vote?
In a few weeks, Marylanders have the opportunity to vote on Question 6 – The Marriage Equality Act. Voting, “yes”, means you support the right of gay and lesbian couples to be able to legally marry.
Opponents of Question 6 have already hit the airwaves with ads encouraging you to vote, “no”. They don’t want marriage “redefined” and plead that marriage is for the sake of the next generation because children should be raised by the “ideal parents”, meaning a mother and a father.
Unwittingly, they have given you a good reason to vote “yes” on question 6. Numbers are hard to come by, but there are an estimated 6 to 14 million children being raised by same sex couples nationwide. Same sex couples are also raising an estimated 4% of adopted children. You can bet a sizable number of children with same sex parents are being raised here in Maryland.
Legal marriage bestows a lot of rights and support to a married couple and to the children. In fact, there are some 1,200 federal rights and two to three hundred state rights automatically granted once a couple says, “I do.” In addition to the rights, the tax code is written to support families with children, and health care laws are written to guarantee support for the spouse and children.
What the opponents of Question 6 hope you don’t realize is that by denying legal marriage to same sex couples, you are also denying the legal support to the children of same sex couples. In effect, opponents of Question 6 are saying that children of same sex couples aren’t as important as children being raised by “ideal” parents of a man and a woman.
Marriage isn’t being “redefined”. The Marriage Equality Act explicitly protects religious institutions from being forced to perform same sex marriage ceremonies or offering their facilities or support to same sex marriage celebrations. What the Marriage Equality Act does do is grant the same legal protections to same sex couples and their children as married couples and their children currently have.
It really is that simple.
© 2012
Mark Darien
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Please include this copyright notice if you share this article
Thursday, May 3, 2012
Cover Craze - The Lion Sleeps Tonight
Keith really loves his music. He has collected and made enough CDs to open his own music store. He made one CD he titled "Travelling Man". Every song on the CD talked about a state. As you listen to each song, you "travel" with the Travelling Man to about twenty different states.
I liked Keith's idea of a concept CD so much, I started making my own concept CDs. "Alien Worlds", for example, is a collection of songs that sing about aliens. Another one I made is a collection of songs that have been covered by other bands. Keith titled it Cover Craze. The first song played is the original song by the original artist. The second song is the cover version by another band. My only stipulation in selecting the songs for the CD was the cover song had to do as well or better than the original on the music charts. I made some exceptions, but I generally followed the rule. As you listen to the CD, you get to decide for yourself if the original or the cover version is the better song.
Keith loved my Cover Craze CD so much, has has gone on to make seven more Cover Craze CDs. Even as he is finishing up Volume 8, he is already making a list for Volume 9. As he makes these CDs, he always says he wishes there were a way to share his collection with others who may appreciate the music and concept as much as he does.
Well, we've started the best I know how. Share it on You Tube. We selected "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" by The Tokens. The Tokens released the song in 1961 and hit #1 on the Billboard Charts. The song hit #1 again in 1994 with the release of the Disney movie, "The Lion King", making it one of the few songs that crossed generations and topped the charts.
The origin "The Lion Sleeps Tonight", however, was written and performed by a group in South Africa, Linda Solomon and the Evening Birds, in 1939. It made a local hit. The Weavers brought the song to this country in 1952 and charted #15 with their version. "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" is one of the rare songs that we felt including all three versions of the song was important. In the video below, after a short introduction, you will hear the 1939 original song followed by The Token's 1961 #1 hit most of us are familiar with. During the closing credits, you will hear The Weaver's version.
Listen and enjoy!
© 2012
Mark Darien
All rights reserved
Please include this copyright notice if you share this article
I liked Keith's idea of a concept CD so much, I started making my own concept CDs. "Alien Worlds", for example, is a collection of songs that sing about aliens. Another one I made is a collection of songs that have been covered by other bands. Keith titled it Cover Craze. The first song played is the original song by the original artist. The second song is the cover version by another band. My only stipulation in selecting the songs for the CD was the cover song had to do as well or better than the original on the music charts. I made some exceptions, but I generally followed the rule. As you listen to the CD, you get to decide for yourself if the original or the cover version is the better song.
Keith loved my Cover Craze CD so much, has has gone on to make seven more Cover Craze CDs. Even as he is finishing up Volume 8, he is already making a list for Volume 9. As he makes these CDs, he always says he wishes there were a way to share his collection with others who may appreciate the music and concept as much as he does.
Well, we've started the best I know how. Share it on You Tube. We selected "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" by The Tokens. The Tokens released the song in 1961 and hit #1 on the Billboard Charts. The song hit #1 again in 1994 with the release of the Disney movie, "The Lion King", making it one of the few songs that crossed generations and topped the charts.
The origin "The Lion Sleeps Tonight", however, was written and performed by a group in South Africa, Linda Solomon and the Evening Birds, in 1939. It made a local hit. The Weavers brought the song to this country in 1952 and charted #15 with their version. "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" is one of the rare songs that we felt including all three versions of the song was important. In the video below, after a short introduction, you will hear the 1939 original song followed by The Token's 1961 #1 hit most of us are familiar with. During the closing credits, you will hear The Weaver's version.
Listen and enjoy!
© 2012
Mark Darien
All rights reserved
Please include this copyright notice if you share this article
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
First sounds and sights of spring
If you went into hibernation last fall, you missed our perpetual spring interrupted by a handful of days of winter. March started out like a normal April and our flowers responded accordingly.
Before I go any further, I have to explain something. Keith and I are avid gardeners, but trying to get anything to grow down here is as difficult and frustrating as...hmmm....no, it is the most difficult and frustrating task to accomplish. Period.
Our soil is clay. Our clay is saturated with salt from the tidal flooding that inundates our yard about once a year. Fall through spring, our water tables are so high, walking in our yard is like walking on a soaked sponge. Water literally squeezes out from underneath your feet. And that's not fresh water. Yup, it's salt water.
Some plants we can absolutely not grow. Phlox, for example, collapses within a day after salt water has touched it. The plants we can grow struggle and don't quite reach their best potential. As long as the ground is wet or moist, they can handle the briny water, but when the summer dries out the ground, they burn and become stunted from the crystallizing salt in the soil.
Despite knowing how much salt water is in and under our yard, somehow we have frogs, and lots of them. This fact never ceases to amaze us. We thought frogs were strictly fresh water creatures, but they thrive down here. The only explanation we have is our water isn't salty like the ocean. It's more briny, but has just enough salt to damage a lot of plants people in the high country have no problem growing, and yet fresh enough to support a healthy frog population.
Despite all the frustrations and obstacles, we're still determined to get things to grow and splash our yard in color. Every fall, we go to Lowe's and buy hundreds of bulbs, but we wait until around Thanksgiving when Lowe's reduces the price by 75% off. We save a lot of money that way. Nothing like getting a bag of 25 daffodil bulbs for a buck!
Last spring we were rewarded with a colorful April showing. Encouraged, but worried that maybe the bulbs didn't survive the harsh conditions of our clay and salt, we added hundreds of bulbs last fall. We crossed our fingers and hoped for the best.
Mother Nature more than cooperated. By February, not only were the bulbs we planted in the fall coming up, but most of the bulbs we planted the year before were coming up. In fact, some of those bulbs were starting as early as December and January.
March didn't come in like a lion. It came in thinking it was April. The warm weather brought out the best in our bulbs. Our yard came alive with color for the first three weeks of March. The color burst came about a month earlier than normal because of the unusually warm month, but we enjoyed it all the same.
Because of a few warm days near eighty degrees, March brought us another early treat - frogs. Frogs are usually hibernating during March, but what amphibian can resist eighty degree days? We had a couple of nights of their chorus before the weather turned cool again. They'll be back out in full force in a few weeks, but their performance was a nice preview of their annual show.
So far, April is more like mid to late March, which is fine for gardens, but we are concerned about the serious lack of rain. The water tables are down like they are supposed to be, but that allows our ground to dry out. Our seedlings for the late spring/early summer color are starting to sprout, but if we don't get rain to keep the salt down, we may have a bland garden after the mid-spring bloomers are finished blooming.
Keith and I decided we could never be farmers. The weather is too fickle and we're sure Mother Nature is getting ticked off with our constant cussing her out. Oddly, we have some healthy cacti growing in our yard. Our native prickly pear cactus and it's Texas cousin thrive down here. If Mother Nature decides to get even with us for our cursing her and turns our yard into a desert like she did last year, we'll always have the pretty cacti.
Enjoy the tour of our spring yard. We open the tour with a minute chorus from our frogs and finish the tour with color and the music from Pink Floyd.
© 2012
Mark Darien
All rights reserved
Please include this copyright notice if you share this article
Before I go any further, I have to explain something. Keith and I are avid gardeners, but trying to get anything to grow down here is as difficult and frustrating as...hmmm....no, it is the most difficult and frustrating task to accomplish. Period.
Our soil is clay. Our clay is saturated with salt from the tidal flooding that inundates our yard about once a year. Fall through spring, our water tables are so high, walking in our yard is like walking on a soaked sponge. Water literally squeezes out from underneath your feet. And that's not fresh water. Yup, it's salt water.
Some plants we can absolutely not grow. Phlox, for example, collapses within a day after salt water has touched it. The plants we can grow struggle and don't quite reach their best potential. As long as the ground is wet or moist, they can handle the briny water, but when the summer dries out the ground, they burn and become stunted from the crystallizing salt in the soil.
Despite knowing how much salt water is in and under our yard, somehow we have frogs, and lots of them. This fact never ceases to amaze us. We thought frogs were strictly fresh water creatures, but they thrive down here. The only explanation we have is our water isn't salty like the ocean. It's more briny, but has just enough salt to damage a lot of plants people in the high country have no problem growing, and yet fresh enough to support a healthy frog population.
Despite all the frustrations and obstacles, we're still determined to get things to grow and splash our yard in color. Every fall, we go to Lowe's and buy hundreds of bulbs, but we wait until around Thanksgiving when Lowe's reduces the price by 75% off. We save a lot of money that way. Nothing like getting a bag of 25 daffodil bulbs for a buck!
Last spring we were rewarded with a colorful April showing. Encouraged, but worried that maybe the bulbs didn't survive the harsh conditions of our clay and salt, we added hundreds of bulbs last fall. We crossed our fingers and hoped for the best.
Mother Nature more than cooperated. By February, not only were the bulbs we planted in the fall coming up, but most of the bulbs we planted the year before were coming up. In fact, some of those bulbs were starting as early as December and January.
March didn't come in like a lion. It came in thinking it was April. The warm weather brought out the best in our bulbs. Our yard came alive with color for the first three weeks of March. The color burst came about a month earlier than normal because of the unusually warm month, but we enjoyed it all the same.
Because of a few warm days near eighty degrees, March brought us another early treat - frogs. Frogs are usually hibernating during March, but what amphibian can resist eighty degree days? We had a couple of nights of their chorus before the weather turned cool again. They'll be back out in full force in a few weeks, but their performance was a nice preview of their annual show.
So far, April is more like mid to late March, which is fine for gardens, but we are concerned about the serious lack of rain. The water tables are down like they are supposed to be, but that allows our ground to dry out. Our seedlings for the late spring/early summer color are starting to sprout, but if we don't get rain to keep the salt down, we may have a bland garden after the mid-spring bloomers are finished blooming.
Keith and I decided we could never be farmers. The weather is too fickle and we're sure Mother Nature is getting ticked off with our constant cussing her out. Oddly, we have some healthy cacti growing in our yard. Our native prickly pear cactus and it's Texas cousin thrive down here. If Mother Nature decides to get even with us for our cursing her and turns our yard into a desert like she did last year, we'll always have the pretty cacti.
Enjoy the tour of our spring yard. We open the tour with a minute chorus from our frogs and finish the tour with color and the music from Pink Floyd.
© 2012
Mark Darien
All rights reserved
Please include this copyright notice if you share this article
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
New Years 2012: Our first Burning Man celebration
Last year on New Years, Keith and I stayed home. We celebrated the New Years watching Dick Clark's Rockin' New Year's Eve and I swear I didn't see a ball fall. I saw a lot of lights get lower and lower, but nothing fell. I've been watching that dang ball fall since I was a kid, and all I ever see is a bunch of lights. I wanted something different for next year.
After we rang in 2011, I announced to Keith that next year I was going to have a Burning Man celebration to ring in the New Year. "What the Hell is a burning man?" he asked.
Keith had never heard of the annual Burning Man celebration in the Nevada desert so I started explaining. "Every year, they erect a hundred foot scarecrow in the middle of the desert. Tens of thousands of hippies come from all over the world to get drunk and dance naked around the scarecrow while listening to sixties music. At night, they set the scarecrow on fire and the dancing and partying continues for days."
"Ohh, sixities music? That sounds like fun," Keith remarked, but remained unimpressed. "I don't want all those people in my yard."
I assured him our celebration would be just me and him unless he wanted to invite a couple of friends. People from all over the world wouldn't descend on Toddville to watch our little scarecrow burn in a little bonfire. He remained unimpressed.
When spring arrived, I planted the pole that would hold up our scarecrow and told Keith that as we took care of the yard, anything yanked or cut is to be placed around the pole for our Burning Man celebration on New Years. I know a yeah-whatever-look when I see one and that's what I got from him.
Throughout the spring and summer, nothing to burn ended up around the pole except for some branches I moved so I could cut the grass. October rolled around and I cut down two holly trees so our chaste tree would get more sun next year. I piled all the wood and branches from both trees around the pole. "That should give us a good Burning Man celebration," I said. I got another yeah-whatever-look.
I resigned myself to thinking that I would be the only idiot around a bonfire on New Year's Eve. I didn't even feel like building the scarecrow. I figured a nice bonfire would be better than watching a bunch of lights on TV. Deep down I knew Keith would come out just before midnight to ring in the New Year and then go back in, but I would still be out there listening to my music and enjoying the warmth of the bonfire by myself.
The night before New Year's Eve 2012, I picked Keith up from his work and we headed home.
Keith was all excited and full of energy. "I thought about the Burning Man all day and, look, I made my New Year's resolutions." He held out a notepad piece of paper and read, word-for-word, what he wrote. "New Year's Resolutions," he began as he pointed to the words. "And look, I even signed it." Underneath the title, he read his signed full name and then proceeded to read each of his resolutions. "Now I gave this a lot of thought. We have to have a story behind the Burning Man if we want it to be a good tradition."
Up to this point, I never considered we needed a good story to justify standing around a burning scarecrow to drink beer. I thought the fact it was New Year's Eve was a good enough story. But Keith wanted a good story and he gave us a good story.
He explained the Burning Man represented our old selves. We had to write our resolutions down and before we set the fire, we had to read our resolutions to the Burning Man and then pin them to him. Then we would set the fire and the Burning Man represented our desire to get rid of our old selves. The Burning Man would go up in smoke and take our resolutions with him. That way, the Burning Man would know what our resolutions were.
"And," Keith excitedly explained, "if you break a resolution, the Burning Man will come back and burn your ass."
I loved the story. "But we need a specific song to play at midnight that reflects the story and New Years. But it has to be sixties style because that's the kind of music you're supposed to play at a Burning Man celebration."
Keith had no problem coming up with not one, but two songs. "Out With the Old by Chameleon Church and Hell Fire by The Crazy World of Arthur Brown. "The first one because that's the whole theme behind the Burning Man and the second one because we want to make sure he burns," Keith explained.
We were all set except for one thing. We had the story, we had the song, but we didn't have the Burning Man and I had only one day to make him.
Let me tell you, putting together a scarecrow isn't as easy as it looks. We've all seen one hanging in a field or even staked in the middle of the family vegetable garden. They look easy enough to put together, but if you never put one together, it's a difficult task.
Getting the old clothes together was easy enough. Stuffing it was almost as easy. The hard part was gathering all the reeds to stuff it with. Our little scarecrow took several wheelbarrow's worth of reeds. The head was particularly difficult. I got it as round as I could, but it was still lopsided. It was also at this point I realized our scarecrow would have no arms because I used a short sleeved shirt. I figured it would be dark and no one would notice.
When I first tried to hang it, the pants fell down and all the upper body stuffing fell out. I laid it back down on the ground and re-stuffed it. I decided I needed to learn how to sew. Trying to get the thread through the eye of the needle almost stopped my plans for a Burning Man. My eyesight used to be so good, I could thread a needle blindfolded. It took me almost half an hour to get that needle threaded. I don't know what happened to my eye sight, but suffice it to say it sucks getting old.
I hung the Burning Man, but the dang thing wasn't high enough over the wood for the fire. On top of that, the body of the scarecrow flopped into an odd posture. I don't know how they get them straight in the fields, but ours limply flopped every which way. It was past dark and I wanted to take an hour nap before celebrating, so I decided what I had would have to do.
Keith came out to look at the finished product. "Can't you fix it? Look how it's posed. We have an armless, gay Burning Man."
"No, I can't fix it because it'd probably fall apart again. It'll have to do."
Keith shook his head. "That's the gayest looking thing I've ever seen. I hope we do better next year."
About fifteen minutes before midnight, I opened a beer, grabbed the burnable trash, and headed outside. Keith followed with a glass of wine in hand and his sixties music. As he got his music ready, I placed the burnable trash in the pile of wood, prepared to start the fire.
Once we were ready, Keith pulled out his resolutions and read all three of them to the Burning Man. I pulled out my resolutions and read all six.
"Six?" Keith asked. "Just a couple of hours ago you couldn't think of one."
"That was then. This is now." I proceeded to read all six of my resolutions.
When I was done, we pinned our resolutions over the heart of the Burning Man and I set the fire. DeeJay Keith started the song, Out With the Old as the fire struggled to burn. As the song was about to end, our fire finally started to take off.
Keith ran to the truck to play the next song. At this point, we realized we were three minutes late ringing in the New Year. Good thing we didn't sell tickets to the event. Of course, down here in Toddville, we all do things at our own pace so even though the clock said we were late, we were really on time. I reckon over the last couple of centuries, ringing in the New Year a few minutes late added up to why we're a good fifty years behind everyone else now.
As Hell Fire played, our friends, Brian and Shana joined the celebration. As we stood around the bonfire (the Burning Man had disappeared into ashes), Brian asked what the celebration was about. He thought for sure it was some sort of witchcraft celebration. I knew he never heard of the Nevada celebration so I simply said there was no witchery involved. It was just an excuse to drink beer on a nice night. That explanation was good enough for him.
Keith was going to play his sixties music all night, but when Hell Fire ended, he played the classic rock station as he searched for the next CD to play. A Lynryd Skynrd song played and Brain began serenading Keith. In Brian's defense, anytime a Lynryd Skynrd song plays, Brian serenades anyone who will listen. No one's ever serenaded Keith before and he was flattered. He decided to leave the classic rock station play for Brian since he enjoyed it so much.
By this time our fire was back to a candle flame and struggling to catch the wood on fire. While Brian serenaded Keith, Shana went and got a friend, Mary, to come over. Mary came up to the dwindling flames with her resolutions and asked me, "What do I do? Just throw them in the fire?"
"Well, even though the Burning Man is ashes now, you still need to read them before throwing them in."
"But their personal."
"Then read them to yourself and toss them."
She quickly read her resolutions and threw them in the fire. I joined Keith and Brian in drinking beer and took their pictures. None of us noticed Shana and Mary had disappeared.
A couple of minutes later, they reappeared, Mary with a truckload of paper and cardboard. She tossed it all on the near-gone fire, even tucking it behind the pallet we used for wood. She made a couple of trips to her truck for more cardboard and paper to get the fire going. Her eyes were focused on the one task - get the fire burning.
It only took a few minutes and we had a roaring fire that soared a good ten or fifteen feet in the air. We'll never know what Mary's resolutions were, but she wanted to make sure the Burning Man took care of them. Unfortunately, Mary disappeared before I could get her picture, but I hope whatever she threw in that fire means this year will be a better year for her. She was so determined to get that fire going, I never got to wish her a Happy New Year, so, Mary, if you are reading this, "Happy New Year!"
Brian had enough beer so we offered him some of our egg nog. It must've been good stuff. He drank the whole bottle by himself. By about two-thirty, the fire still put out heat, but most of the wood was burned. And the egg nog was gone. It was time to bring our Burning Man celebration to an end.
Keith and I had a great time. Our whole concept of the celebration went better than we had thought, despite having the "gayest Burning Man" in town, with no arms, no less. We're already making plans for next year to ensure an even better celebration. I think I know how to make a better and taller Burning Man. Keith is working on compiling a Burning Man CD so all the songs will play in order without having to change CDs between songs. And I think next year I'm going to include some food. Stay tuned for next year's celebration....
If you want to see some of the excitement, hear the music mentioned, or, for some of our Internet friends who are curious what Keith and I and some of our friends look like, please feel free to watch the short video below. The middle of the movie includes live video footage of the Burning Man.
© 2012
Mark Darien
All rights reserved
Please include this copyright notice if you share this article
After we rang in 2011, I announced to Keith that next year I was going to have a Burning Man celebration to ring in the New Year. "What the Hell is a burning man?" he asked.
Keith had never heard of the annual Burning Man celebration in the Nevada desert so I started explaining. "Every year, they erect a hundred foot scarecrow in the middle of the desert. Tens of thousands of hippies come from all over the world to get drunk and dance naked around the scarecrow while listening to sixties music. At night, they set the scarecrow on fire and the dancing and partying continues for days."
"Ohh, sixities music? That sounds like fun," Keith remarked, but remained unimpressed. "I don't want all those people in my yard."
I assured him our celebration would be just me and him unless he wanted to invite a couple of friends. People from all over the world wouldn't descend on Toddville to watch our little scarecrow burn in a little bonfire. He remained unimpressed.
When spring arrived, I planted the pole that would hold up our scarecrow and told Keith that as we took care of the yard, anything yanked or cut is to be placed around the pole for our Burning Man celebration on New Years. I know a yeah-whatever-look when I see one and that's what I got from him.
Throughout the spring and summer, nothing to burn ended up around the pole except for some branches I moved so I could cut the grass. October rolled around and I cut down two holly trees so our chaste tree would get more sun next year. I piled all the wood and branches from both trees around the pole. "That should give us a good Burning Man celebration," I said. I got another yeah-whatever-look.
I resigned myself to thinking that I would be the only idiot around a bonfire on New Year's Eve. I didn't even feel like building the scarecrow. I figured a nice bonfire would be better than watching a bunch of lights on TV. Deep down I knew Keith would come out just before midnight to ring in the New Year and then go back in, but I would still be out there listening to my music and enjoying the warmth of the bonfire by myself.
The night before New Year's Eve 2012, I picked Keith up from his work and we headed home.
Keith was all excited and full of energy. "I thought about the Burning Man all day and, look, I made my New Year's resolutions." He held out a notepad piece of paper and read, word-for-word, what he wrote. "New Year's Resolutions," he began as he pointed to the words. "And look, I even signed it." Underneath the title, he read his signed full name and then proceeded to read each of his resolutions. "Now I gave this a lot of thought. We have to have a story behind the Burning Man if we want it to be a good tradition."
Up to this point, I never considered we needed a good story to justify standing around a burning scarecrow to drink beer. I thought the fact it was New Year's Eve was a good enough story. But Keith wanted a good story and he gave us a good story.
He explained the Burning Man represented our old selves. We had to write our resolutions down and before we set the fire, we had to read our resolutions to the Burning Man and then pin them to him. Then we would set the fire and the Burning Man represented our desire to get rid of our old selves. The Burning Man would go up in smoke and take our resolutions with him. That way, the Burning Man would know what our resolutions were.
"And," Keith excitedly explained, "if you break a resolution, the Burning Man will come back and burn your ass."
I loved the story. "But we need a specific song to play at midnight that reflects the story and New Years. But it has to be sixties style because that's the kind of music you're supposed to play at a Burning Man celebration."
Keith had no problem coming up with not one, but two songs. "Out With the Old by Chameleon Church and Hell Fire by The Crazy World of Arthur Brown. "The first one because that's the whole theme behind the Burning Man and the second one because we want to make sure he burns," Keith explained.
We were all set except for one thing. We had the story, we had the song, but we didn't have the Burning Man and I had only one day to make him.
Let me tell you, putting together a scarecrow isn't as easy as it looks. We've all seen one hanging in a field or even staked in the middle of the family vegetable garden. They look easy enough to put together, but if you never put one together, it's a difficult task.
Getting the old clothes together was easy enough. Stuffing it was almost as easy. The hard part was gathering all the reeds to stuff it with. Our little scarecrow took several wheelbarrow's worth of reeds. The head was particularly difficult. I got it as round as I could, but it was still lopsided. It was also at this point I realized our scarecrow would have no arms because I used a short sleeved shirt. I figured it would be dark and no one would notice.
When I first tried to hang it, the pants fell down and all the upper body stuffing fell out. I laid it back down on the ground and re-stuffed it. I decided I needed to learn how to sew. Trying to get the thread through the eye of the needle almost stopped my plans for a Burning Man. My eyesight used to be so good, I could thread a needle blindfolded. It took me almost half an hour to get that needle threaded. I don't know what happened to my eye sight, but suffice it to say it sucks getting old.
I hung the Burning Man, but the dang thing wasn't high enough over the wood for the fire. On top of that, the body of the scarecrow flopped into an odd posture. I don't know how they get them straight in the fields, but ours limply flopped every which way. It was past dark and I wanted to take an hour nap before celebrating, so I decided what I had would have to do.
Keith came out to look at the finished product. "Can't you fix it? Look how it's posed. We have an armless, gay Burning Man."
"No, I can't fix it because it'd probably fall apart again. It'll have to do."
Keith shook his head. "That's the gayest looking thing I've ever seen. I hope we do better next year."
About fifteen minutes before midnight, I opened a beer, grabbed the burnable trash, and headed outside. Keith followed with a glass of wine in hand and his sixties music. As he got his music ready, I placed the burnable trash in the pile of wood, prepared to start the fire.
Once we were ready, Keith pulled out his resolutions and read all three of them to the Burning Man. I pulled out my resolutions and read all six.
"Six?" Keith asked. "Just a couple of hours ago you couldn't think of one."
"That was then. This is now." I proceeded to read all six of my resolutions.
When I was done, we pinned our resolutions over the heart of the Burning Man and I set the fire. DeeJay Keith started the song, Out With the Old as the fire struggled to burn. As the song was about to end, our fire finally started to take off.
Keith ran to the truck to play the next song. At this point, we realized we were three minutes late ringing in the New Year. Good thing we didn't sell tickets to the event. Of course, down here in Toddville, we all do things at our own pace so even though the clock said we were late, we were really on time. I reckon over the last couple of centuries, ringing in the New Year a few minutes late added up to why we're a good fifty years behind everyone else now.
As Hell Fire played, our friends, Brian and Shana joined the celebration. As we stood around the bonfire (the Burning Man had disappeared into ashes), Brian asked what the celebration was about. He thought for sure it was some sort of witchcraft celebration. I knew he never heard of the Nevada celebration so I simply said there was no witchery involved. It was just an excuse to drink beer on a nice night. That explanation was good enough for him.
Keith was going to play his sixties music all night, but when Hell Fire ended, he played the classic rock station as he searched for the next CD to play. A Lynryd Skynrd song played and Brain began serenading Keith. In Brian's defense, anytime a Lynryd Skynrd song plays, Brian serenades anyone who will listen. No one's ever serenaded Keith before and he was flattered. He decided to leave the classic rock station play for Brian since he enjoyed it so much.
By this time our fire was back to a candle flame and struggling to catch the wood on fire. While Brian serenaded Keith, Shana went and got a friend, Mary, to come over. Mary came up to the dwindling flames with her resolutions and asked me, "What do I do? Just throw them in the fire?"
"Well, even though the Burning Man is ashes now, you still need to read them before throwing them in."
"But their personal."
"Then read them to yourself and toss them."
She quickly read her resolutions and threw them in the fire. I joined Keith and Brian in drinking beer and took their pictures. None of us noticed Shana and Mary had disappeared.
A couple of minutes later, they reappeared, Mary with a truckload of paper and cardboard. She tossed it all on the near-gone fire, even tucking it behind the pallet we used for wood. She made a couple of trips to her truck for more cardboard and paper to get the fire going. Her eyes were focused on the one task - get the fire burning.
It only took a few minutes and we had a roaring fire that soared a good ten or fifteen feet in the air. We'll never know what Mary's resolutions were, but she wanted to make sure the Burning Man took care of them. Unfortunately, Mary disappeared before I could get her picture, but I hope whatever she threw in that fire means this year will be a better year for her. She was so determined to get that fire going, I never got to wish her a Happy New Year, so, Mary, if you are reading this, "Happy New Year!"
Brian had enough beer so we offered him some of our egg nog. It must've been good stuff. He drank the whole bottle by himself. By about two-thirty, the fire still put out heat, but most of the wood was burned. And the egg nog was gone. It was time to bring our Burning Man celebration to an end.
Keith and I had a great time. Our whole concept of the celebration went better than we had thought, despite having the "gayest Burning Man" in town, with no arms, no less. We're already making plans for next year to ensure an even better celebration. I think I know how to make a better and taller Burning Man. Keith is working on compiling a Burning Man CD so all the songs will play in order without having to change CDs between songs. And I think next year I'm going to include some food. Stay tuned for next year's celebration....
If you want to see some of the excitement, hear the music mentioned, or, for some of our Internet friends who are curious what Keith and I and some of our friends look like, please feel free to watch the short video below. The middle of the movie includes live video footage of the Burning Man.
© 2012
Mark Darien
All rights reserved
Please include this copyright notice if you share this article
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